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Health & Fitness

Put a fork in it, rockers - Lollapalosers carry on

As the weather warms up and people are gearing up for the summer, learn the sad truth about our party habits at many of the area's summer festivals.

Today's Sun-Slimes weekend section listed all of the summer festivals scheduled for 2011. It's the same usual over-priced gatherings with over-exposed overweight people that should have regretted that tattoo before they got it.

I therefore offer my own opinions, as stupid, careless, insensitive and accurate as they may be … to you, my new friends at the Shorewood Patch.

Here we go….

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Aah, the summers is back and so are all of the outdoor festivals that make you want to party like its 1999 or 1992 or 1987 or 1978 or 1965 or … you get the point.

In the music world, this is known as the "rib fest circuit". It is the touring version of the cut-out bin at the local record store; I mean a place like Best Buy's music section.

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This year, Lockport proudly announced that it has a two-time Grammy nominated band in its line-up for Canal Days coming up next month. The supposedly "big act" is a band called Fastball. Outside of reading about it in the local paper, I haven't heard about these guys since perhaps 1998. Let alone, I've never actually heard any of their music.

Another act that is being touted as a big deal this summer, somewhere or another — not necessarily even in Will County — are the perennial Beach Boys.

Today's Beach Boys, sans any of the founding Wilson brothers, are akin to a McDonald's without the Big Mac, french fries and Coca-Cola. They are nothing more than a cheap facsimile marketed to nostalgic old drunks who couldn't probably remember the original line-up anyway.

While the "rib fest circuit" is a usual parade of your expected Wang Chungs, decimated versions of Journey, REO Speedwagon and countless other rocking has-beens; nothing is so sad as the fact that the Taste of Chicago (which always slaps country music fans in the face with their scheduling the Country Music Fest in the middle of America's most disgusting, over-priced gorge fest), is highlighting the Coal Miner's Daughter herself.

Country legend Loretta Lynn must just love singing, because not only is she coming into this infernal, no-talent fest, but she is also being backed up by two of the minimally talented Dixie Chicks. Loretta's coal miner dad must be rolling is his eternal coal mine. Lord, let him rest in peace.

The Taste of Joilet ...

In past years, Joliet has featured classic one-hit wonders like former New York cop Eddie Money and true rockers like Joan Jett. Despite some of her lifestyle choices, I love Joan Jett live. She truly understand what rock and roll shows are about and she makes these rib fest circuit gigs more exciting than usual.

This year, the proverbial gambler Kenny Rogers will grace Joliet's sweaty music fans with his classics "Lady", "The Gambler" and his latest plastic surgery created face.

Not to be outdone, bandana-wearing Canadian rockers Loverboy will also have us clamoring and "Working for the Weekend" while we run to those always-welcoming port-a-potties. Rock on, dudes & dudettes! Please raise devil horns with hands here. Even for these Canadian geeks.

Lollapalosers, HANG IT UP!

O.K. The first Lollapalooza happened when I think the Cosby Show was still on the air. 

For the last decade, the Generation X crowd, whom I am part of, but prefer to call it by its more accurate name, Generation Ass; has been making fools of themselves at these events.
Originally organized by Jane's Addiction's Perry Farrell & a rag-tag bunch, it is now a bunch of corporate business interests that are theoretically opposed to its original grasroots approach.

Today's Lolla has so many corporate sponsors, they can offer "cabanas" with A/C, endless wet bars & a privileged view of the lesser, sweaty throngs for a cool 2K or so.

What a joke.

This year's has-beens include Eminem, Foo Fighters and a group called the Dale Hardt Jr. Jr's. How's that for entertainment?

Then there's the goofball, middle-aged parents who are still "punk," who like to dress their brats in Ramones t-shirts and faux-hawks. Talk about "beating on the brat with a baseball bat". I'd rather beat on the Obama-voting parents.

Grow up, people!

Funnier than Lollapalooza

For those either too old, too ugly, or too poor to attend Lolla in pure cabana pleasure, there is always the alterna-fest (and I say that with much hypocritical glee), the Pitchfork Music Festival at Union Park in a once very-crappy Chicago neighborhood before its entire gentrification.

At this fest, people that think they are still too cool for the corporate Lolla, still suck on corporate Marlboro Lights and corporate Bud Lite.

You'll have your poster children for Move-On.org (which was founded by a bunch of libs to help people forget about Bill Clinton's LewinskyGate), present there. Black & dreadlocked. White and dreadlocked. Asian and hanging out with geeky college guys. Hispanic lefties with their Made in China Che Guevara t-shirts. Rich kids trying to be "down with the people."

Summer fests are a great opportunity to listen to terrible music, eat over-priced food that has been sitting out too long in the sun, watch underdressed people, too fat &/or too skinny &/or too ugly &/or too inebriated.

Until next time, keep on rockin' in the free world, that is, the free world being your back yard, your basement or the nearest local park.

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